Ahimsa indeed

It's Friday night, and I walk into my regular class. Right away I can feel something is wrong. Normally my Teacher welcomes me with a warm embrace, she seems genuinely delighted to see me and I bask in her happiness that I showed up to her class (I know, I know, I'm reading way too much into this).

But tonight her arms are not there for me. She is chatting with a new student in a corner of the classroom. The new student is obviously showing off, working her wheel, peddling her plow, and displaying her dancer.

I hate her on sight. Doesn't she know we don't do postures right away? First it's meditation, then a little chanting, and then pranayama. Then we'll start gentle poses, maybe cat/cow, a few Surya Namaskar, definitely Ardha Chandrasana. We always do Ardha Chandrasana on Friday nights: it's my favourite pose and Teacher knows that.

"Let's get started… we have a few new faces tonight, Joanne, Kathy, and, of course, Barbara." (She points to the newbie, who smiles demurely into her Lululemon hoodie.) "Welcome everyone! I can see that some of you are very experienced like Barbara here, but go at your own pace. This is your journey."

I sit back, close my eyes and wait for the familiar clues, but they don't come. Instead, Teacher and Barbara start chanting, a foreign, whiny Sanskrit poem, which I don't like from the get go. I'm struggling with the unfamiliarity of it all, discomfort is growing and I want to leave. Images of waiting for Barbara in the dark parking lot, of giving her a taste of my superior taebo skills cross my mind. I'm angry.

And then, a startling realization. I may be an evolved woman, an eager student of Yamas and Niyamas and Bandas and all that good stuff, but deep down inside I'm still seven years old. I want my Teacher to nurture and love me. I want what she can not give, and I'm not angry at Barbara (although she IS annoying): I'm angry that my attachment is not reciprocated, that the devotion I have for this yoga and this Teacher is mine and mine alone.

And then, I acknowledge this impure part of my psyche and release it into the great wide universe where it belongs.